THE WORLD CUP, TRANSLATED INTO AMERICAN

(DISCLAIMER - I'm new to this site and I'm having a hard time getting the formatting to be consistent. Apologies for sudden changes in font size, and thanks for your patience.)

If you're American, soccer probably isn't your cuppa tea. But, due to ESPN's admirably relentless promotion (they'll be unleashing their three Big B's: Bob Ley, Bill Simmons and Bono), you're probably at least a little curious about the World Cup, if you're a sports fan anyway. But when it comes to going the extra mile and actually learning about all the teams, perhaps that sounds like something for which you can't be bothered.

I'm here to help.

What follows is a list of every one of the World Cup's 32 teams, alongside the American sports team it most parallels. Some of these analogies are slightly better than tenuous. Some of them are dead-on. All of them are at least a decent starting point to give you a frame of reference.

(This next bit is the part where I explain the process and criteria. It's skippable if you're already too curious.)

First of all, at all times I used the soccer teams themselves as a starting point, so as to assure that I was going off of their qualities and not just what I want them to be. For example, I didn't just ask “Who is the most like the Vancouver Canucks?” This would have been the wrong way to go.

In that vein, I also eschewed trying to fill out US rivalries. For example, if I'd equated someone to the Chicago Cubs (I didn't) I wouldn't have then tried to find that team’s rival and make them the St. Louis Cardinals. That would have been a most unsavory shoehorning.

Another criterion was to look at how good the given team was, both on a World Cup scale, as well as in their respective regions and their given confederation tournaments. More weight was given to having won Europe or South America, slightly less was given to titles in CONCACAF and the rest.

Another question was "are they good?" and also "when were they good?" This would help to give a historical frame of reference for the team and their fan base.

The general personality of the team and their fans over the years was also a consideration; do they have a recognized playing style, for example? Are their fans particularly insufferable?

So overall, I tended to look at the historical totality of a team or a franchise, and not try to make them immediate match-ups for this exact moment in time.

Then, when in doubt, I just went with the color of their unis.

And that’s about it. The descriptions of the teams are also intentionally vague, so as to keep them applicable to both teams in the equation.

I welcome your constructive suggestions where I could get this one or that one even more perfect.

And with that, here we go .

 

1. ALGERIA

They are not good. At all. And they’re obsessed with their more-successful neighbors. Not to say that they don't have some degree of history to hang their hat on, but... that was a while ago. And no one, outside of their fans, remembers anymore. This team is easily underestimated. Too easily, I fear.

ALGERIA =

THE NEW JERSEY NETS

2. ARGENTINA

They've been good for about as long as the game has been played. They have so much history that your default expectation is for them to always be good, even great. But the reality doesn't support that: they haven't won anything in around twenty years. They haven't been horrible (usually), but they have not at all lived up to the greatness of their traditions. Supposedly, this will be the year when they restore the luster. But we've been hearing that for a loooooooooooong time.

ARGENTINA =

THE WASHINGTON REDSKINS

3. AUSTRALIA

This team used to be almost completely insignificant, and were shown a thorough lack of respect. But then they moved*, and since then they have taken on an unshakable legitimacy, evolving into an opponent that must be taken very seriously indeed. Their fans are vocal, though most people in the area prefer (their) football.

AUSTRALIA =

THE MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES
(* In 2005 Australia switched allegiances, leaving the ineffectual Oceania region for the more competitive Asian confederation.)

4. BRAZIL

If we were to go strictly in terms of dominance, we would have to go with the Yankees, or even the Canadiens. But Brazil is more than dominance, they are also glamor, style and exuberance. They are known for their amazing offensive displays, but this overshadows a history of champions who have relied on defense to kick-start those attacks. Plus they have yellow shirts. I mean... there's only one choice here, right?

BRAZIL =

THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS

5. CAMEROON

A powerhouse from a medium conference who are making noise that they are ready to finally step up into the championship picture. No one knows for sure until they do it, of course, but they’ve been around the block enough that it’s no longer a crazy idea. They're fun to watch and easy to root for. (They're also innovative with the external trappings of the game, so to speak.)

CAMEROON =

THE BOISE STATE BRONCOS

6. CHILE

A team for whom recent natural disasters overshadow the trivialities of sport. A fan base for whom their team means more now than it ever did before. A team that has never won anything at all from a land with a distinctive physical shape. A high-octane offense. For the rest of us, a sentimental favorite, a team we wouldn't mind seeing rise above. (And one of only two entries that will have a specific time period attached to them).

CHILE =

THE NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
(POST-KATRINA/PRE-SUPER BOWL)

7. DENMARK

A respected team with a tradition of consistently making the big tournaments, where you always have to take them seriously. Occasionally throws a truly great team together, though even then they usually fall short. Finally won (a) big one in the ‘90s, and that probably wasn’t even their best-ever team. Generally associated with one long-serving head coach named Olsen. Or Olson.

DENMARK =

ARIZONA WILDCATS BASKETBALL

8. ENGLAND

Man oh man do their fans talk a lotta shit. A LOTTA shit. Not so much in praise of themselves as raggin’ on other squads. Way too much for a team that’s won it all exactly one time, and that was way back in the '60s. Since then, they haven’t even finished second. Yet they talk and talk and deify the main man behind that '60s win. As opposed to their local tabloids, who take every chance they can to tear the team apart one day, while predicting impending championships the next. This team will almost always fall before the final hurdle, but… their current coach might just be the perfect man for this team. He has them playing better than they’ve played in decades, behind a mix of veterans and one gifted youngster whose performance will be the primary determining factor of where they finish. Still, you generally have to assume that they will buckle under the double burdens of incredible media pressure and inescapable history.

ENGLAND =

THE NEW YORK JETS

9. FRANCE

Some undeniably great players have been on this blue-clad team, a team that has provided the sport with some of its defining matches and greatest plays. But something about them drives the neutral fan crazy. Almost nobody who’s not from there roots for them, which they bring on themselves for being a little snooty, and by so often being the recipient of grossly questionable calls by the refs.

FRANCE =

THE DUKE BLUE DEVILS

(I mean, come on. The dude even looks French.)

10. GERMANY

They may not have won the big game the most times, but they’re close. And no one’s been to that game more than them. They’re hard to root for if you’re not from there, moreso than France, even. That’s partly cultural, sure, but it’s mostly because they do so much damn winning (especially in the '70s and '90s). The team is always made up of a combination of straight-laced leaders and absolute looney-tunes. It’s dysfunctional but seems to work. One of the all-time great squads, like ‘em or not.

GERMANY =
 
THE DALLAS COWBOYS

11. GHANA

Sadly there is no American sports entity that matches the gravitas of Ghana’s nickname, The Black Stars. So, as we shall do with another African team, let’s just try to define them by their on-field situation.

They have a longer history of being good than people give them credit for and, while they haven’t won anything lately, their current team might be the baddest, deepest squad they’ve ever had, man-for-man. They play fast and physical and on their day they can beat anybody.

GHANA =

THE ATLANTA HAWKS

12. GREECE

A team of no importance until they came out of nowhere to win a title, early in the 21st century, that was won almost entirely on defense. Before that, they sucked. Now they suck again. Still dangerous D though.

GREECE =

THE TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

13. HOLLAND

From a land of free spirits comes a team who will never be able to completely let slip of the long-hair hippie image their greatest sides exuded. They’re not in the list of never-wons, but they’re not quite among the all-time greats either, as they’ve fallen victim to a) some of the greatest performances ever, b) some gut-wrenching choke jobs and c) some horrible injuries to players who could have been all-time greats. Still, this is a widely admired team, respected for the way they play the game and their amazing fans.

HOLLAND =

THE PORTLAND TRAIL BLAZERS

14. HONDURAS

They were really good in 1981. Haven’t really made noise since, until now. They’re adorable! Who would root against these irascible underdogs!?!

HONDURAS =

THE MILWAUKEE BREWERS

15. ITALY

Italy are a tough one. At first I wanted to go New York Giants. Both have won titles sporadically since the '30s. Both wear blue. Both are built on a commitment to defense. Both won the big one in the '80s and in this decade. But in the end I had to go with a team that better fits their current personality and identity.

A team that has had tremendous success this decade, despite constant underestimation from the media, who always seem to think this squad is too old and not talented enough. But the thing is: they don’t give a fuck what the media says. When their opponent makes a mistake they pounce, with a surgical accuracy and unspeakable togetherness. They’re not afraid of a well-timed flop and not one of their players has ever, EVER committed a foul. They focus on D and do whatever it takes to win. Whatever it takes.

ITALY =

THE SAN ANTONIO SPURS

16. IVORY COAST

Y’know, in the '80s, they were okay for a little while. Since then they haven’t done much, which is a shame, since they’re from a depressed region that could use the pick-me-up. But this current team might be special. I say “might” because, though people love to watch them and talk them up like they’ve already won something… they haven’t. The thing is… they’ve got this one dude… and this dude is a freak. I mean, he’s big and strong, but also fast and nimble. Everything they do runs through him. When he turns it on, you can see it in his eyes; he’s unstoppable. You do not want to be a defender looking up to see this dude bearing down on you. That would be truly scary. If it happened to me, I would poop.

IVORY COAST =

THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS   

(NOTE - I am NOT saying Drogba is the Soccer LeBron. But their teams do depend on each of them in a similar way. And they're both bad-ass dudes.)

17. JAPAN

A team that has come to dominate its humble region the last couple decades or so. But they don’t make a dent in the big dance, despite amazing hair.

JAPAN =

GONZAGA

18. MEXICO

This side is a big player in a small conference. In fact they have basically owned their conference since the damn thing started. But when it comes to matching up with the big boys, they fall wayyyyy short, almost every time. Also, they have a tendency to employ combustible coaches who try to assault the other team. Finally, their logo prominently features a winged bird of displeasure.

MEXICO =

TEMPLE BASKETBALL

19. NEW ZEALAND

A bunch of squirrelly, over-matched, mostly white guys with dodgy haircuts, who play with so much heart that they just might cause some trouble for a big team. But overall, these irrepressible scamps are basically just happy to be there.

NEW ZEALAND =

NORTHERN IOWA

20. NIGERIA

This team has a degree of success that any reasonable fan base would be happy to have. But this team’s fans are tired of disappointment, tired of seeing generation after generation of great players fail the final hurdle. This of course just compounds the problem, putting undue pressure on a very talented group of players who should be appreciated more for what they have accomplished than derided for what they have not.

NIGERIA =

THE PHILADELPHIA EAGLES
(Nigeria's team is also nicknamed the Super Eagles, which helps.)

21. NORTH KOREA

Isolated. Military. Probably not very honest with their fans about their chances. Will not be around the tournament long.

NORTH KOREA =

THE CITADEL BASKETBALL

22. PARAGUAY

An unassuming team from an unassuming (and not heavily populated) part of the world. Not a huge threat, but no pushover, either.

PARAGUAY =

IOWA HAWKEYES FOOTBALL

23. PORTUGAL

I’m not quite a journalist, I don’t have to be that impartial, so let me just confess that Portugal are probably my least favorite team in the world. Not just in soccer- in all of sports. I might hate them as much as I hate the Packers and Vikings combined. They are classless crybabies and divers, and have been so since at least Euro 2000. They prance and preen, but they’ve never won a damn thing, which is problematic since they are HORRIBLE losers. Their best player comes off as a Hall of Fame douchebag, despite his exemplary skills. Their coach is an outmatched drone. Despite all this, they are in the upper echelon right now, always a legitimate threat. But be sure: no one likes them. This one was easy.

PORTUGAL =

THE SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

24. SERBIA

Fast. Strong. High-scoring. Well-organized. Always dominant on the way to tournament, always likely to fall apart once they get there.

SERBIA =

THE SAN JOSE SHARKS

25. SLOVAKIA

SLOVAKIA =
THE FLORIDA PANTHERS

Ummmm… Both were founded in 1993. Yes. Yes, that will do.

26. SLOVENIA

There used to be a different team here, a much better one, but they’re gone now. They do have tradition, but expectations are low for this expansion team in green and white.

SLOVENIA =

THE MINNESOTA WILD
(NOTE -Those different teams were Yugoslavia and the Minnesota North Stars, who don't get mentioned in the same sentence often, so enjoy it.)

27. SOUTH AFRICA

Obviously, it is pretty impossible to equate South Africa and everything going on there with a mere American sports team. So let’s just say that, in strictly sporting terms, they are a team that isn’t very strong, from a less than dominant conference, on an ongoing journey of releasing themselves of a tragic history. The sort of team for whom you can’t help but cheer, though victory will likely elude them.

SOUTH AFRICA =

THE MARSHALL UNIVERSITY THUNDERING HERD

28. SOUTH KOREA

Haven’t been around all that long. Amazing fans. Incredibly fast-paced offense. Tireless. Relentless. But on D? Can’t stop anybody. Won’t stop anybody. Side note: local government is very concerned about border control.

SOUTH KOREA =

THE PHOENIX SUNS

(NOTE – At time of writing, the Suns are inconveniently ripping through the NBA playoffs. If they win the title, I will revise this. But not before.)

29. SPAIN

After decades of torturing their fans with mind-boggling losses and historical disappointments, they finally got their shit together last time out and brought home a trophy. All the tortured ghosts are now banished. They still basically have that same side together and had another dominant regular season. What now? Can they keep it going? Will the removal of their back-monkey set them forever free, or was it a blip, with more harrowing failure waiting around the corner? We're gonna find out, starting now. La maldición ha sido invertida!

SPAIN = 
 
THE 2005 BOSTON RED SOX

30. SWITZERLAND

Not a great team, but they’ll beat you if you’re not careful. Fundamentally sound, if lacking great athleticism. Also, they all probably have rich parents.

SWITZERLAND =

CORNELL BIG RED BASKETBALL

31. URUGUAY

They were the first great team. They’ve been winning it all since the earliest days. But now they haven't won anything in years, and despite this fact, they (and their fans) carry with them an almost revolting haughtiness, allowing a nostalgia-distorted self-image to fuel utterly unrealistic expectations. Maybe it's because of all the Catholicism.

URUGUAY =

NOTRE DAME

32. USA

A place with more tradition in the sport than people remember. Still, a fairly recent addition to the big scene. Haven’t yet gotten over the hump to be a real contender, despite considerable resources. Their fans, being new to this, expect too much. But their enthusiasm is somewhat justified- this team has been slowly stockpiling sneaky-good young talent, with a stable, patient organization running the show. It’s quite possible that their ascendancy, when and if it comes, will come before anyone but them expects it. All in all this is a solid but flawed team, one that absolutely can beat the big boys… but probably won’t.

USA =
 
THE HOUSTON TEXANS

EPILOGUE

So now that we have that, let’s take a look at how this lays out this summer. Perhaps this will give you a better sense of who to expect to do well in each group.

GROUP A

MARSHALL FOOTBALL

TEMPLE B-BALL

NOTRE DAME FOOTBALL

DUKE B-BALL

GROUP B

WASHINGTON REDSKINS

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

PHOENIX SUNS

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

GROUP C

NEW YORK JETS

HOUSTON TEXANS

NEW JERSEY NETS

MINNESOTA WILD

GROUP D

DALLAS COWBOYS

MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES

SAN JOSE SHARKS

ATLANTA HAWKS

GROUP E

PORTLAND TRAIL BLAZERS

ARIZONA B-BALL

GONZAGA

BOISE STATE FOOTBALL

GROUP F

SAN ANTONIO SPURS

IOWA FOOTBALL

NORTHERN IOWA B-BALL

FLORIDA PANTHERS

GROUP G

LOS ANGELES LAKERS

THE CITADEL

CLEVELAND CAVALIERS

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

GROUP H

2005 BOSTON RED SOX

CORNELL BASKETBALL

MILWAUKEE BREWERS

PRE-SUPER BOWL NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

Only two teams advance from each group... but you knew that, right?

I hope this helped. Give the World Cup a chance, y’all. It’s good times.



(If you'd like to know more about World Cup history, click here.)

- Brendan Hunt

twitter.com/theunlikelyfan
© Brendan Hunt, 2010